Centre of England

 Centre of England

INTER - living room - two lads sat on a sofa - pouring drinks - watching Richard hillman death episode

Ned: how many times have you watched this?

Stan: like... honestly no clue. 

Ned: and this is 2003 right

Stan: yeah man 

both take a drink 

Ned: What an episode, you reckon the Richard hillman storyline is your favourite corrie storyline? 

Stan: errrm possibly - so many greats

Ned: its defo my fav, from what ive seen 

Stan: Yeah all the Platt stuff is great - And just all the little character moments - you know jack and vera - roy and hailey - derek and mavis - curly watts , Percy Sugden- jerry booth, Les Battersby - Hilda Ogden. 

Ned: Which ones Hilda Ogden again 

Stan: Lived at number 13, with the curlers and-wait its coming up 

Both quote the tv:(shouting)  This is it.... I love you!!!!!!!!!!!

Both: Classic 

Then both laugh 

Ned: You reckon were abit sad sat watching old coronation street epsidoes on a Friday night. 

Stan: I dunno - it's what we like doin innit - What you wanna go out clubbing, spend loads of money, get beaten up and have to wait 4 hours for an ambulance. 

Ned: yeah (laughs) me mum always calls me and old women. 

Stan: Be rate - my mum just calls me an sad twat.

Ned: Wheres this gig were playing tomorrow then. 

Stan: Somewhere down south 

Ned: Fairs - How much we getting paid?

Stan: 35 quid 

Ned: Barley breaking even with petrol then.

Stan: Yeah, just sommet to do tho. 

Ned: Yeahhh. Get us out the house innt. 

Stan: Aye, your not wrong - What time we on now. 

Ned: twenty past six -  better get going then 

Stan: Yeah come on then

quoting tv 

Ned: Remember, no talking until the breaks

Stan: But I talk..Over anyone....on the cobbles 

both: Argos sponsored coronation street. 

both laugh

A song plays - Second 

Turns off the TV and get up to leave - gathering things and guitar 

montarge walking down streets talking. 

(one long take walking from outside in a band reherseal space)

Stan: We're not fucking changing it 

Ned: But its terrible tho

Stan: Its alright - band names don't mean anything. (American accent) It's about the music man

Ned: Yeah but 'To be fair' 

Stan: What? Its good cuz it's says to in the title and thres 2 of us in the band its got a cheeky English charm 

Ned: No. every time I tell someone I'm in a band and they say oh what are you called and I say To Be fair, they just look at me like...

Stan: Like what (laughing)

Ned: Like I'm in a band with a shit name. 

Stam: Pack it in with this shit band name lark. It doesn't mean anything most of the greatest just put 2 random words together - Radio head Green day Cold play Limp Bizit Pink Floyyd - wtf is a floyyd? and why is it pink?

Ned: Well yeah but they wont be two random words, they'll all probably mean something.

Stan: And do you know what any of thos bands names mean?

Ned: Well no

Stan: And do you like any of them less for it?

Ned: No

Stan: Well there you are then

Ned: Mate even your mum said our name was shit

Stan: So? She's never even heard of Billie Elish. 

Ned: What's your mothers knowledge of the existance of Billie Elish got to do with her rational of deciding weather a band name is good or not. Like yeah granted She's probably one of the biggest musicians to breakthrough in the last what 20 years aswell as also maintaining her place in popular culture and also comes across as just a nice, funny, person. 

Stan: I think somones in love 

Ned: Yeah, With your Mum (laughs)

Stan: OOOOh - somone's been watching the inbetweeners 

Ned: Mate last time I watched it was with you like 4 years ago

Stan: was that in your living room in the holidays?

Ned: Yep

Stan: That was 4 years ago?

Ned: Yep

Stan: Damn, time flies

Both start walking through door into practise room ned goes in first 

Ned: Yeah, back when we were young and had ambishins - Now were just unemployed, no girlfriends, and in a band with a shit name

Stan: WERE NOT FUCKING CHANGING IT 

THE DOOR CLOSES

Scene 3

In band practice room

Both finish playing a high intense song soft play / hives feel

N well that was terrible

S it was alright - you just need to remember the toms bit after the 2nd Chorus

N mate I’m never gonna remember all this - I reckon we should just drop this song I don’t think I’ll be able to get it right before we play tomorrow.

S come on, it’s punk rock, not supposed to be perfect

N no cuz I’ll just mess it up and we’ll  just look like we can’t play. And it's about coronation street. You really wanna sing it infront of people?

S (huffs) fine- but our set needs to be 45 mins if we get rid of it, then it wont be 

N yeah be rate

S well we get paid for the full 45 mins. They said it on the email between 45 and 50 mins

N oh, well we’ll just write a long easy instrumental to fill the time.

S alright then, just play sommet and I’ll come in

N no I’m bad at that, I’ll follow along to what you play

S well idk ( can’t get into a song to play) IDK just play sommet, anything

N like what?

S just anything

N what do you mean?

S ANYTHING just play

N hits a couple drums stupidly lasting about 2 seconds while screaming

S WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

N YOU SAID DO ANYTHING WHICH WAS WHAT I DID. SORRY IF YOU DIDNT LIKE IT

S Really?

N well I told you I wasn’t good at coming up with the ideas

S right just go (making sounds of drums with mouth, mouths a drum beat) Yeah?

N (nods at Stan)

S 1-2-3-4

Heavy Guitar and Drums come in together. They both smile at each other and then really get into the music

Song carries on playing in the background

CUT TO

See the two walking down a street eating fish and chips

N I’m really excited for the gig tomorrow now. It’s proper pumped me up

S yeah same, but I still reckon we should play them 2 songs. Or at least the Cilit bang theory.

N no, I told ya.

S fine……..but we’re not changing our name when were literally playing tomorrow - 

N Right well we'll just play our final gig tomorrow as tbf then after we'll brainstorm new names. 

S I'll pass 

N who died and made you the leader?

S just some dead guy, can’t remember his name.

N our bass player?

S yeah. (Laughs) look I said we’ve already committed to the name. We’ve already started to make a brand. Got a logo, the instagram page, we’ve already realised some music under the name.

N yeah, and that went well.

Flashback - cut to N and S sat/stood around a computer. Stan has headphones in listening to ‘Broken Records’

S why does it sound so shit?

N I really don’t know. I’ve done as much as I can I think

S we spent 3 days making this

N I know. Maybe it’s the microphone?

S yeah and also doesn’t help that I can’t really sing

N the singings not that bad. I don’t think the song sounds terrible, it’s just not as good as I’d hoped.

S yeah…..shall we just say fuck it and realise it?

N hmmmmm. Yeah okay

Cut back to N and S walking in the street- putting fish and chips wrapping in the bin.

N so I’ll pick you up at like 10:30, then we’ll go and get the drum kit, then we’ll set off

S and it’s defo gonna fit in your car?

N yeah I’ve measured it. It’ll all fit. It’ll be abit tight tho

S alright

They both stop as they are about to go separate ways

N right then I’ll see you tomorrow.

S see ya

Both start to walk there separate ways.

Camera stays in the same position but cut to the next day Ned is sat in his car and Stan walks up. Puts amp and guitar in the boot. Gets in and Ned quickly speeds off

Cut to them both stood looking down at the camera looking defeated, tired and annoyed

Cut to a dissembled drum kit looking back at them.

Grandad: There you are then (passing a pair of manky looking drum sticks to Ned)

N thanks for letting us borrow them

Grandad: yeah no worries, where are you playing then

N errrr (looking at Stan)

S somewhere down south

Grandad: oh right, and what’s your band name?

N To be fair

Grandad: what?

N to..be..fair

GD oh right………well I’ll leave you to it (walks off into house)

N yeah thanks again

S cheers

Both looking down at the drum kit again. Not looking away

S so how we gonna do this then

N haven’t got a scooby

Little montage - different cuts of trying to fit the drum kit in the car.

N Yeah. I kinda forgot about your guitar and amp, I was just thinking about fitting the drums.

S Jesus Christ. Did you think I was gonna play air guitar or sommet

N no i just didn’t think

S (shaking his head)

N it’s fine, we’ll get it in. Just Wack this here and move this to the front.

Cut to both getting in the car

Car doors shut at the same time.

Car drives off

N I can feel the weight driving

S yeah?

N yeah, it’s so much harder. Feel like my cars struggling to move.

S Can we turn capital off. It’s so shit. Get Radio 2 on.

N No, radio 2s boring. Everyone sounds so grumpy.

S Zoe ball sounds grumpy?

N well i don’t know who that is.

S exactly. You don’t know what your talking about. Your argument holds no substance

N sorry that I don’t know every disk jockey that works at the bbc.

S yeah well I might forgive you. It’s just better, there’s no adverts you’ve gotta sit through, they play a nice mix of music. Some new stuff, some classics . Bit of news. Funny stories people write in.

N Narr, the ranking goes Capital, then radio 1, Gem 106, greatest hits, smooth radio THEN radio 2, closely followed by Magic FM.

S……..Are having me on?

N (laughing) no

S you need your head testing m8

car pulls up at petrol station.

S how much you puttin in?

N 30 quid.(opens door and gets out)  Do you want owt?

S Ribeena

CUT TO

N - (opens door, gets in car. Throws small box on Stans lap)

S what’s this then

N one of thos bluetooth transistor things. So we can listen to music from your phone in the car.

S oh aye.

N  been meaning to get one for ages.

S (looking at the box) very nice

N pulls off from petrol station

N right you putting the sat nav on?

S I thought I was putting the music on

N you can do both can’t you

S it’ll drain all the battery. Just chuck us your phone.

N (small sign) alright. (Hands Stan the phone)

S I don’t know your password (hands it back)

N (big sigh while unlocking phone trying to focus on the road)

S your the one who refuses to tell me your password. You know mine.

N yeah well I don’t trust you. (Handing phone back)

S fair enough. I wouldn’t trust me either.

(Looking at his phone and typing on the other phone) So the postcode is SH5..3…HD

Puts phone on to phone holder

S Right. Sorted

N have you connected that bluetooth thing yet?

S flippin eck give me an hour.

(Takes it out of box and puts it in cigarette lighter)

‘Bluetooth connective successfully’

N what was that

S (laughing) bluetooth connective zukzesfully

N I can already tell it’s either not gonna work or is gonna work very poorly

S well we’ll see (looking on phone)

Puts on boys in the better land

Both heyyyyy

N doesn’t sound too bad actually

S yeah sounds alright

S what was this about uni you were on about the other day

N ay?

S you said……(song loses connection and a very bad road man song comes on)

S hang about 

N what’s this crap you’ve put on

S I didn’t put it on. does this sound like sommet id listen to?

N must be someone else playing it on a better transmitter and we’re picking it up.

S that’s great innit

N Yeah - paid 15 quid to listen to shit music. Could of just put radio 2 on.

S you shut up about Radio 2

The radio changes back to the original song

S thank god for that

N it must of been that polo that’s gone down there.

S yeahhhhhhh fuck off JEP with your shit music.

CUT TO

Outside shot of car driving along

Still driving - different song playing

Both Sat - looking a little more bored

N how we doing for time?

S errr alright. Putting the drums in put us behind schedule abit  but should be rate. Long as we’re there for 5 to set up.

N good good. What we doing about food I’m starving?

S idk. What you thinking?

N idk.

S is there an ikea on the way?

N I concer- get some of them Swedish meatballs

S canny beat the meatballs and cinnamon rolls

N we haven’t really got time tho have we to be making diversions.

S (disappointed) noo …….just have to stop off at the next service station then.

N yeah……..I rate fancy a Toby carvery

S doubt there gonna have one at a welcomebreak.

N I know I’m just saying, that’s what I fancy…And they might do

S doubt it

N narr there’s gotta be atleast one Toby carvery at one service station in the uk

S yeah I guess. Or some sort of carvery place.

N well yeah. I had one the other week rate nice.

S Toby carvery?

N yeah, did you know you can get macarone cheese

S yeah they’ve had that for ages

N really

S yeah

N I’ve never heard of mac and cheese on a dinner, just proper random.

S I went somewhere once, can’t remember where but they had chips. My Nan always went.

N yeah but that kinda makes sense. It’s Just a different form of potato. 

S yeah but mac and cheese is similar to cauliflower cheese innit. It’s not the actual pasta that makes it seem weird it’s the cheese sauce going with the gravy and stuff

N not really. Cali flower just by its self is a thing you’d have on a dinner. But pasta isnt. You wouldn’t just have some plain spaghetti with your meat and gravy.

S hmmmmm disagree to agree I guess

N I wonder how the traditional Sunday dinner is gonna evolve over time. Like what’s gonna be a normal thing you have on it in like 200 years time.

S yeah, I bet some people were kicking off when they started putting mashed potato on roasts.

N well there’s them people who say your not supposed have a Yorkshire on your Christmas dinner.

S yeah them people can fuck off

Hey up, services 4 miles.

CUT TO:

Car pulling into services - they park up, 

N what we doing about the drums then?

S you what?

N we can’t just leave the drums here, might get stolen

S are you for real

N yeah  

N They'll be fine, you really think someone's gonna go through the effort and have the space to take them.

S might do 

N well you can stay here and stand guard but im going in. 

S fine (rolls eyes)

Both get out the car 

CUT TO 

Both sat eating food in service station. 

S you heard about Joe and Mike?

N no 

S they've moved into there own place

N No way, they were the year below us 

S I know - When do you think were gonna get are place

N I Dunno 

S We could get like a flat or sommet, what you reckon?

N Yeah could do 

S probably get a cheap one in town.

N yeah. 

S could have a spare room and turn it into a practice / recording studio. Just have everything already set up so we can just play whenver

N what about noise tho, 

S just sound proof it. It's not that expensive to do

N Oh 

S Yeah, Just have it like Joey and Chandlers apartment and just random shit we can find on facebook market place for cheap. Bro we could get a chaise longue. 

NCould do, Just money innit

S we just need to find some decent jobs, save for abit and then we'll be sorted for a deposit.

N yeah, but I told you I might wanna go back to uni in the future 

S yeah but I thought you said if you did go back it wouldn't be for a few years 

N yeah I know 

S I dunno why your even thinking about going back. Your still in debt from when you were there in your first year, and you said you hated it and didn't do any work. And even if you get a degree at the end it doesn't mean your gonna easily get a good job. You'll be in the same postion your in now, just in more debt and have wasted like 3 years. 

N well I dunno

S yeah well I do.

N I think if I was on a different course id of actually enjoyed it tho

S Its all if buts and maybes tho innit. 

N You thought about any new band names?

S No, why would I try and think of a new name when I don't want to change it? 

N Idk 

S you thought of any? 

N a few....

S are we sitting here until one of us develops dementia and forgets who we are or are you gonna tell me? 

N No I don't wanna tell you my ideas cuz you'll just say there terrible 

S So you wanna change the name of the band, but your not gonna tell the only other member of the band your amazing band name. 

N Not sure, not made me mind up yet. 

S Fairs

N Come on lets go 

Cut To - back to Driving on the motorway 

S (talking quickly) Cuz everyone remembers him as a villain, but for years he was just a nice bloke - married to Ivy - taxi driver, but then just slowly started to go mad. He started ringing Denise Osbouren all the time and just breath down the phone and like ordering her pizzas and stuff to freak her out and so he could be the one to comfort her . he then got sick of Ivy cuz all she'd go on about is Brian and she was proper religious. Then the woman he's having an affair with breaks up with him, so when he's driving back he just goes rate fast wanting to kill himself and crashes but he survives and they have to amputate his leg. 

N Do you remember which leg? 

S I wanna say left but im not sure 

Anyway. So he's hoping around with his prosthetic leg, and he has a new girlfriend called Josie and they decide to buy the garage off Mike Baldwin, but he tricks them into paying more than its worth, so there just loosing loads of money owing the garage. Kevins always (Kevin impression) Don, Ive told you we cant do anymore work until you've bought new equipment, and Dons always like 'But I cant afford it'. so they have to sell the garage to Kevin I think. But he keeps on going on about how he hates Mike Baldwin. So his girlfriend leaves him. Then tries to kill himself in the garage with the old co2 thing, but gail and martin find him. Then he really starts to hate Mike, So he then sets Baldwins factory on fire. But Baldwins like cheers don. all that stock was terrible anways, the insurance paid out so you actually did me a favour. So he's pissed, and then he loses his job so he's really pissed because he was pissed. So he's like fuck it. Kidnaps Mikes wife Alma, who was a great character. Locks her in his car and starts driving like a mad man. And he's just going LIAR LIAR YOU LIAR - She's trying to grab onto the steering wheel. He then drives them into a canal - slow mo - and almas going noooo………………………………………… - Sound Familiar?

N Yeah that's just what happened with Richard Hillman 

S Yeah, but this was 6 years before

N Did he die aswell

S NO, both survived. One pf the next scenes is Don lying in a hospital bed uncons, then Mike Baldwin bursts through the door and goes you evil bastard and tries to strangle him before police take him off. So Don gets arrested for attempted murder but they figure out there's sommet wrong with him mentally, he was saying about how he thought Ivy was still alive cuz she'd died off screen few years before. So then he gets transferred to a mental institution but then a few months later he breaks out comes back for his revenge on Mike, he steals Mikes car and tries to run him over but mike runs out the way and Don crashes into the viaduct. Then Boom big explosion. And that's how he dies.