Short Film

Des and Lewis are sat slumped on the sofa watching a classic coronation street. 

Lewis: So you got a free house then 

Des: Yeah 

Lewis: When they back ?

Des: Monday. they've gone away in the motorhome 

Lewis: Oh aye, where've they gone?

Des: Fucking... I dunno. They did tell me but I forgot. It's only like 5 miles away.

Lewis: What's the point then, might as well stop at home.

Des: I know, just getting their moneys worth innit. Change of scenery innit. 

Lewis: You know their shagging (laughing)

Des: Fuck off...But yeah probably. They've got a sign that says 'dont come-a-knocking when the motorhomes-a-rocking'. 

Lewis: What and they hang that on the outside?

Des; Nooo its on the inside, above the microwave. 

Lewis: Well what's the point in that then?

Des: Its not supposed to be a functional fucking sign, just like a novelty thing. If you see the bastard motorhome rocking you arent gonna knock anyways are ya.

Lewis: Yeah true...Surprised it hasn't tipped over knowing your parents.   

Des: What the fuck you on about?

Lewis: ......Ya know

Des: What?

Lewis: Cuz there fat. 

Des: Oh yeah (laughing)

Lewis: Weight distribution and centre of gravity shit innit.

Des: Man like Isaac Newton. 

Lewis: So you havin a party then or what?

Des: You can get fucked. 

Lewis: Come on why not?

Des: Cuz we only know like 4 people

Lewis: Just invite them then

Des: No cuz we'll all get smashed, then something will end up getting smashed and when my parents get back my head'll be smahsed open. 

Lewis: Nar it'll be rate. Just invite a few people over, a bit of drink, bit of conversation. 

Des: I dunno 

Lewis: You know and I know its gonna happen, Don't make me have to convince you anymore. 

Des: Well your gonna have to cuz im not sold yet.

Lewis: Alright.. I'll buy the booze

Des: Sound. your on

Lewis: We just getting a takeaway when everyone gets here?

Des: No no. im not doing that cuz I'll end up being the motherfucker who orders it and everyone's like ye ye ill send you the money but they never do so you have to end up chasing everyone, texting them oh can you send me £11 then their like i only had 3 slices. And I know that cuz we've both done it before. Ive had at least 7 free takeaways from people who i said id send the money to but never did. 

Lewis:  Alright just get some cheap pizzas and chuck em in the oven. 

Des: Yeah we'll do that. 

Lewis: We going tescos then?

Des: Yeah, just wait till this episodes finished

Lewis: Who we inviting then, the usual 3?

Cut to 

Small music montage - 3 lads driving rapid down a country lane - Owen driving - Charles in the passenger and Todd in the back

Owen: The fuck you on about? It is and always has been the wrong trousers.

Todd: overrated

Charles: 100% 

Owen: Just the train sequence alone makes it not only the best Wallace and Gromit film but the best fucking stop motion animation film. 

Todd : Narr Coraline is better than any Wallace and Gromit film. 

Owen: You a fucking 14 year old goth girl?

Charles: Yeah you can't be saying that, Coralline is a sick film 

Owen: Yeah its sick 

Charles: But better than Wallace and Gromit? No fucking way. But a close shave is better than the wrong trousers. 

Owen: Your so fucking wrong 

Todd: ...How much did you say we were getting 

Charles: A Q 

Todd: How much is that? 

Charles: seven grams 

Todd: No I mean like how many joints is that 

Charles: Well it depends how big you make em

Todd: Like on average 

Charles: I dunno like 10

Todd: That's not a lot 

Charles: Nar but he says this new stuff is like next fucking level. 

Todd: Fucking better me. Rate need a smoke. Jobs been stressing me out. 

Owen: What, do people keep taking stuff off your self's

Charles: And then he's gotta replace the things people have taken and put more stuff on the self 

Owen: Im getting stressed just thinking about it 

Charles: Have you had a meeting with HR yet about the mental toll of restacking shelf's

(Charles and owen laugh)

Todd: One day I'll kill myself and you won't be laughing. I'll be laughing. 

Owen: What you'll be laughing when you kill yourself? 

Todd: No after I kill myself

Charles: I wonder what percentage of people kill themselves while laughing?

Owen: That's a good question. Like you've got to be proper mental to be laughing while committing suicide. 

Todd: No i'll be laughing cuz i'll be dead and you two will be going 'oh we should of listened to him when he said he was stressed, oh i feel so bad, i wished we'd listened now'.

Owen: Yeah, we'd never say that. 

Charles: and you'll be dead, you can't laugh 

Todd: Afterlife innit 

Owen: Oh did nobody tell you? Yeahhhhh thats not real. You just die. 

Charles: What's so stressful about working at Sainsbury's anyways?

Todd: Just me managers an absolute knob 

Owen: You've said that about every manager you've ever had. 

Todd: Not when I worked at maccies 

Charles: Didn't he get sacked for touching up all the girls? 

Todd: Yeah, but he was still sound. 

They pass another car driving the opposite way, its Des and Lewis driving to tescos. But nobody notices each other 

Cut to: Des and Lewis driving - Des in the passenger 

Lewis: So we sayin like 4 bbq and 4 meat feasts? 

Des: What 8 pizzas for 5 people?

Lewis: Yeah but knowing them there defo gonna bring some bud, I mean i could eat 2 right now, God knows how many when I've got the munchies

Des: Yeah true.  And with drinks what you saying? some beers, some cider and a spirit?

Lewis: Yeah, what cider? Rattler? 

Des: Nar its a fucking pain to carry, Just get like a 16 pack of inchers of sommet 

Lewis: Oh we should get some rum

Des: no, just get vodka, it goes with everything 

Lewis: Im fucking sick of Vodka 

Des: And I'm sick of you and here we are....Have they replied yet? 

Lewis: oh shit, I forgot to text them 

Des:  Fucking mong, ill do (takes out his phone)

Owen: (turns down the music) Did i tell you what happened with that Emily the other day 

Todd: No what happened

Owen: Well I told you we met up the other day, and we were like what shall we do next, she mentions get a hotel and im like yes what a great idea. So i book the cheapest room i can find. Get her to send me half the money cuz fuck paying for it all. I mean i didn't make her pay for half of it, she offered, I think she thought I was gonna insist i pay for it but i just said okay and sent her my bank details. So anyways we're driving to the hotel and she just wouldn't shut the fuck up for one second. Telling me about what her mums holiday, the women who does her nails is having a divorce, what she had for her tea. 

Charles: What did she have?

Owen: Fucking vegi burgers, with this new burger sauce her mum bought from lidl but only because it was offer. I'm not joking just constant talking. So we get to the hotel, then go to spoons,

Todd: Wait, so are you not going out?