Wall script
Written by
Byron Stead
We see a bath in a bathroom and slowly pan around , we see a small selection of one shampoo bottle and one body wash soap, a sink with 2 toothbrushes, the toilet with its lid close, the pan lands on the cream bathroom door opposite the bath. Hung on the door are a couple towels . In the background we hear faint screams, shouts and frantic chaos get louder and louder and louder until the bathroom door flies open BANG! Mike and Vinny rush in through to the bath. Mike's hand is wrapped in a tea towel that's covered in blood. From the few small steps its taken for him to reach the bath he leaves a trail of dripping blood.
As soon they smash through the door they scream and shout in frantic panic
Vinny
Jesus fucking christ
shit
fuck
fuck
shit
fuck me
Mike
fucking fuck
shit fuck
shit
fuck
Vinny
Fucking blood everywhere
get in the bath
mike climbs into the bath
Vinny
fucking hell
just keep it wrapped it
It'll stop soon
your fine
your sound
Mike
im fucking not
jeeeeeesuuus fuuuck this kills
Vinny
you're alright
Mike
fuck me man
fuck me
this is the opposite of ideal
Vinny
Is it still bleeding?
He opens up the towel a tad and looks at the wound.
It pours out more blood and Vinny gets it all over his hands
Shit that's bad
Mike
you need to call a fucking ambulance
Vinny
Shit yeah
fucking christ
Vinny get his phone out of his pocket and tries to call 999, covering the phone screen in blood from his hands ,
Vinny
Fucking phones covered in fucking blood
he tries wiping the blood off with his finger, then with water from the tapp, it still doesn't work, he grabs some toilet roll and uses that
Mike
fucking hurry up
Vinny
Im trying - fuck me
Vinny aggressively pokes at the screen
Vinny
it is 999 innit?
Mike
The fuck you on about? Yeah 999 you fucking dumb twat
Vinny
i'm just confirming
double checking
Mike
Fucking hurry up
Vinny
I am
Jesus
Fuck
Right okay
Vinny puts the phone onto loudspeaker
999
Emergency what service?
Vinny
Fucking Ambulance he's bleeding
999
Putting you through
999
Ambulance service is the patient breathing?
Vinny
Yeah he's got a really fucking bad cut,its poring with blood, we need someone here now
999
Is the patient awake
Vinny
Yeah he's just loosing alot of blood
999
What's the full address of the emergency?
Vinny
56 Breamon Street
999
In what town or city?
Vinny
What?
999
What town or city are you in?
Vinny
We're in a fucking village duck, its called Morton
999
and the postcode?
Vinny
Fucking..god knows
do you know the postcode?
Mike
(in pain) DE55 6BK
Vinny
DE55 6BK
999
Thank you! now just repeat that address so i've know i've got it correct
Vinny
Right.fuckin...
56 Breamon Street
Morton
999
and the postcode?
Vinny
What's the fuckin postcode again?!
Mike
(in more pain) DE55 6BK
Vinny
DE55 6BK!
999
and how old is he?
Vinny
the fucks that got to do with owt? He's lost a shit ton of blood, don't matter if your 1 or 100 you still need an ambulance
999
These are just things i need to know, we'll get help there quicker if you just answer the questions
Vinny
Right, 22 hes 22, is an ambulance on its way?
999
no we just need to ask these questions to get the right help
Vinny
Right okay go
999
Is he unconscious, fitting or choking right now?
Vinny
No
999
has he lost any blood?
Vinny
I've just fucking told you about 6 times, yeah the baths covered
999
Has he been bleeding red blood very heavily in the last 2 hours?
Vinny
Yeah well its not gonna be green is it?
999
So just to confirm has he been bleeding red blood very heavily in the last 2 hours?
Vinny
He's lost enough blood in the last 7 minutes to repaint the fucking bathroom
999
Okay so yeah.
Has he lost enough blood to fill 2 mugfulls?
Vinny
Yeah about 1140 sports direct mugs
999
Okay, is the bleeding due to a tonsillectomy?
Vinny
the fucks that?
999
an operation where your tonsils are removed
Vinny
No no no no
999
Has he been diagnosed with marfans syndrome?
Vinny
The fucks that?
999
Marfans syndrome is a life threating problem involving the aorta which is the main artery -
Vinny
no no no no no he doesn't have it
999
Okay, so an emergency ambulance is being arranged
Vinny
Okay thank you
999
Is there somebody with him now who can stop until help arrives?
Vinny
Yeyeye me
999
Okay so with the bleeding what you need to do is use a clean dressing or pad and wrap it around the wound with lots of pressure
Vinny
Okay okay
Vinny grabs a towel off the back of the door and helps Mike wrap it around the hand
999
Just keep pressure on the wound. If the blood soaks through the pad don't take it off just put another pad on top
Vinny (To Mike)
Just keep it tight yeah, there on there way its fine
999
We're getting there as soon as we can
can I take the patients name?
Vinny
Yeah its, Michael...Barnes
999
and his date of birth?
Vinny
04.07.02
999
Thank you, so an emergency ambulance is being arranged, at the moment we are experiencing delays of 3 hours.
Vinny
3 hours?!! Are you fucking joking?
999
Unfortunately not no
Mike (in weakness and pain)
What the fuck
Vinny
Yeah what fuck?! He's gonna fucking die if you don't send someone
999
Unfortunately, these are our delays at the moment
Vinny
The fucking bathroom looks like.......(he looks around at the blood on the sink, floor and most of it in and around the bath).....fuck knows.....It looks a guy whos lost a lot of blood has covered the whole fucking bathroom in blood as he sits in our bath fucking bleeding to death, which is exactly what i'm fucking looking at RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
999
The 3 hour wait time is an average for the whole of the east midlands so it could be quicker or could be longer
While the 999 operator is talking a small white fluffy dog strolls into the bathroom and lays down on the bloody floor
Vinny
We can't wait 3 hours, this is a fucking joke......Fucking dogs come in now....Taco get out!.....Taco fuck off....your fucking covered....No don't lick it....fuckin ell
The dog jumps up into the bath on top of Mikes lap and begins to lick all the blood around him
Mike
Get off Taco you little shit
Vinny
TACO COME HERE YOU SICK BASTARD!
Vinny picks up Taco the dog who was once snowy white but is now stained red from the blood
He throws the dog out the bathroom and slams the door
Taco barks
Vinny
Now is not the fucking time Taco
Carry on and i'll put you down!
Taco stops barking
999
Are we oaky?
Vinny
Nar duck, couldn't be better. I feel so fucking calm.
Nar duck, couldn't be better. I feel so fucking calm.
What the fuck are you on about?
999
oh, i think we've got a crew with you now
We hear a loud knocking
Vinny
Oh okay, someone's knocking
999
That'll be them okay bye.
the second they say bye they rang up straight away
Vinny
Right i'll let them in
We see Vinny run out of the bathroom
Mike sits in the bath. Looks at the towel he's holding around his bloody hand and says to himself:
Mike
Course he used my fucking towel
Taco then runs in through the now open door
Mike
FUCK OFF TACO YOU'RE ADOPTED !!!!!
Title Card
Sleaford mods - bored to be wild plays
We see the floor moving past us and pan up - we follow a car driving rapid down a country lane
Mike and Vinny drive down the country lane in the shitest car you've ever seen
Vinny is driving, Mike in the passenger
Vinny taps his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat - Mike taps on his knees
They both sing the chorus - bored to be wild
Mike leans over and turns the music down
They talk almost as quick as they are driving
Mike
What's this surprise then?
Vinny
Define.. surprise
Mike
An.. unexpected event or piece of information
Vinny
There you go, and if I tell you, the surprise will cease to be a surprise. And I want the surprise to be a surprise.
Mike
Yeah but...The way you've bigged this up its either gonna be A. a big surprise which would surprise me cuz its... you know.. surprising...Or B. The surprise is, there is no big surprise, which in its self would be a surprise. At the moment I'm leaning towards A but B is also a possibility. So what I'm saying is no matter what you tell me, it'll still fit the definition of a surprise.
Vinny
Okay.... I'm gay
Mike
No surprise there then.
Vinny
narr your just gonna have to wait and see
Mike
Fairs
...................
Vinny
Oh you wanna hear about me date I had yesterday?
Mike
Oh yeah, did you go with the one from work?
Vinny
yeah
Mike
How did this even come about again?
Vinny
Well you know my manager Judy I told you about? The one who sells tax free fags
Mike
Is she the one who you had to have a meeting with cuz you suggested Mein Kampt for the book club?
(Both laughing)
Vinny
I thought the fucking form was anonymous!...But that was my other manager, Barbra, she's a fucking bitch everyone hates her. No Judys sound. Lets you just piss about most of the time. No she says to me the other week that Maisy likes me and asked Judy if she can give me her number. I've never even spoken to Maisy, I seen her about tho.
Mike
She fit?
Vinny
I dunno.......I wouldn't say she's unattractive...like a 6 for me and a 4 for you.
But i'm like a 5/6, so..
Mike
Gotta stay in your lane
Vinny
Exactly, so I told Judy yeah sure why not. So that night she texts me, get talking for abit n shit. She says we should go out somewhere, but she doesn't know where, cuz they always want you to fucking choose, but i don't fucking know. So i just say you wanna go to the cinema cuz you know..
Mike
Safe
Vinny
Yeah, just the classic innit. Then she's like yeah cuz i really wanted to see this fucking shit musical, fucking can't remember what it was called, fucking terrible. So I pick her up, couldn't park nowhere near her fuckin house, cars parked everywhere. So I park like a 10 minute walk away, she's texting me going 'i cant find you' so i have to get on google maps and send her a picture of where I am. She's still texting me going where are you. So i send her a fucking what 3 words and she finally finds my car. She gets in and its like hi you alright ye ye. So im driving and none of us say anything for like 5 minutes, and i'm just trying to think of sommet to say, and so i asked her sommet about her family i dunno. Then i start driving like this.
(Vinny drops down 2 gears and revs the fuck out of his car, going rapid round a corner)
Mike
I bet she thought you were a mong
Vinny
Well I was just trying to get to the cinema as quick as I can and women like men driving fast, even if its subconsciously. It's manly innit
Mike
Is it?
Vinny
Yeah it is. So we get to the cinema, I pay for the tickets and the popcorn and she wanted maltereses in the popcorn and wanted a slushie. Fucking cost me £32 quid.
Mike
Thatcher's Britain
Vinny
Too right, but I was thinking ya know, if i get a shag it'll be worth it... So the film comes on and I dunno what's happening, some women singing about how hard it is to be a woman the whole time, but it was starring, written, directed and produced by women so it's obviously not that fucking hard. So I go fuck this, tell her im nipping to the toilet, go outside, smoke a fat joint, cuz there was like 2 and a half hours left, and no way am i sitting through that sober.
Mike
Good idea
Vinny
Well when I walk back in, for the life of me, i couldn't remember what screen we were in.
Mike
Did it not just say on your ticket?
Vinny
Well yeah it did, but i was high as fuck so i didnt think. So i go up to the counter and im trying to explain what the film is, i was like 'Yeah, what screen is the film with the women and the singing with the bus and the yellow font'. She had no clue what I was on about so she got her manager, and I try telling him, and he's looking at me like im a fucking mong. Then he says have you got your ticket, and i'm like yeah. shit nevermind sorry pal, I look and it's screen 7. So I go back in, she probably thinks i've had a massive shit cuz i was gone ages. I watch the film off my face. Even when I drove back i was high as fuck, and she wouldn't stop going on about how good the film was. 'Oh the bit at the beach was good wasn't it?', was it? I could name 10 other films that did the exact same thing, so fucking unoriginal. But I couldn't tell her how shit i thought it was if she's loving it, not if i wanna get my dick sucked, you know what i mean?
Mike
I know exactly what you mean
Vinny
So i drop her off, when i get home she texts the fucking 'Your really nice, its just not gonna work, sorry' fucking bullshit. Can you believe it? When she was the one who told my manager she liked me and wanted my number.
Mike
Fucking women
Vinny
Fucking £32 im never gonna get back...plus fuel.
Mike
I told ya, after I got stood up in spoons, I said fuck this shit, going on dates, not worth it
Vinny
Too right....
Then on monday everyone at fucking works gonna be going 'How was your date with Maisey?' 'Heard you and Maisey are going out' 'Oh did the date with Maisey not go well?'
Mike
Fuck em
Vinny
I'll say 'It didn't go well and It has deeply saddened me, I not only feel societal pressure but personal pressure to find someone I can connect with on a romantic basies, but each time I try and reach out I get left feeling worthless and not good enough, the whole matter has led me down a spiral of depression. I feel the fact I haven't had a significant relationship affects the way I perceive the world and makes me feel less of a man.'
Mike
Yeah, you should say that
Vinny
Could do........Probably just tell them to fuck off
Mike laughs
Mike
(looking around at the street there driving through).......What the fuck we doin down here?
Vinny
Surprise innit michael
....
Vinny pulls up next to a terrace house
Vinny
you see that house?
Mike
Which one?
Vinny
That one - number 56
Mike
Yeah
Vinny
I've bought it
Mike
Fuck off........really?
Vinny
Yeah
Mike
I mean it's a bit of a shit hole but a gaffs a gaff!
Vinny
Indeed... a gaff IS a gaff
Mike
No wayyy....How much then?
Vinny
85 grand - it was on auction - Apparently the guy who used to live in it got arrested
Mike
Could have dead bodies in the loft
Vinny
Could have
Mike
Have you even had a look inside?
Vinny
Cause, been twice with me Dad, he's a builder inhe. He said it was pretty good for 85
Mike
I'm a builder as well
Vinny
Yeah but then it wouldn't of been a surprise
Mike
True
They both look at the house
Vinny
Are you surprised?
Mike
(He sits and thinks about it for a moment) Now I think about it, not really
Vinny
You dickhead
(they both laugh)
Come on, we going in?
Cut to
Mike and Vinny walk out of the back door and into the overgrown back garden - they have a smoke
Mike
Yeah mate, its fucking sick
Vinny
Like it?
Mike
Yeah, its bigger inside than it looks (takes a puff) Garden looks shit tho
Vinny
Yeah but its a fucking garden innit.
Mike
Just need to cut all this...bit of a trim and it'll look alrate
Vinny
Yeah
They stand smoking together for a moment - looking into the distance
Vinny
So you wanna move in with me?
Mike
Yeah?
Vinny
Yeah, I don't wanna live here by myself, and you'll stop over all the time anyways, so you might as well move in
Mike
Yeah fuck it. Oh this is gonna be sick
Vinny
I've worked it out, with all bills and utility and shit. apart from food. Came to about £100 a week, so if you can afford that were sound
Mike
No no that's fine
Vinny
sound then
they shake hands
Mike
I still cant believe it - both of us leaving home
Vinny
No me neither - all I had to do was work a job I hate, Slog my guts, get up at the crack of dawn, save every penny I could for 5 years and I can finally buy a ex crack den
Mike
Is that was it was, a crack den?
Vinny
Fuck knows, It looks like it
Mike
...As if you've bought a house, you've just played the game
Vinny
What? Game of society
Mike
Yeah, Your choosing life....
Vinny
Choose shitty overgrown gardens
Mike
Choose Ex Crack houses
Vinny
Choose broken tiles
Mike
Choose moldy damp
Mike
Choose choosing
Vinny
Choose your choice
Vinny
Choose a choice you've got to choose
Mike
Choose choosing a choice
Vinny
Choose your future
Mike
Life choose
both laugh
Vinny
Okay lets go
Music montage - not chosen a song yet but sommet quite uplifting - maybe a bit punky - something that conveys hope. Ok I thought of one. Suburban home by descenders - could change
We see a montage - there both moving into the house - painting the walls together - moving furniture to see where its best
in the living room - vinny pulls out a huge fountains dc poster
Vinny
look at this daddy
Mike
Fuck me, that's way too big
Vinny
Too fucking small
Mike
where you putting that?
Vinny
right here (slapping the wall)
Mike
Its gonna cover most of the wall - that's like the first thing people are gonna see when they open the door
Vinny
I know, sick innit
Mike
Why'd you buy it so big tho?
Vinny
I was gonna get it in A1 size but A0 was only 7 quid extra so I thought fuck it
Mike
Jesus Christ
More montage of the guys doing random house stuff, they've now moved in together - washing pots - cleaning shit - chilling in the garden - skating down the hallway - juggling with each other one at the top of the stairs other a the bottom - cute shit but not too cute
As the montage comes to the end we find Mike and Vinny sat at the table - Mike with a pen and notepad looking down a shopping receipt reading out loud
Mike
So...(looking at the notepad) We've both had 3 pot noodles but you had Sticky Rib which are 20p more than curry so that's 3.30 for me and...3.90 for you....Both had same amount of beans that's fine, soup that's fine, Bread yeah 50/50. How many jam donuts did you have?
Vinny
4
Mike
So I had 6, yeah that sounds about right...so 1.44 for me and....96p for you (adding it to the notepad)...Right grapes are yours, bananas me...washing up liquid same, ketchup and BBQ sauce same, and bacon same..
Vinny
Hang about, you had that extra bacon sandwich
Mike
When?
Vinny
Fucking, other week. We both had breakfast but you were still hungry
Mike
Really? I had 2 slices of bacon
Vinny
So? Why should I pay for your bacon, I'm bring home the bacon but not for you. If your making me pay extra for the pot noodles, your paying for what bacon you've had. so how much is it then?
Mike
Right okay whatever then
Vinny
so how much is it then?
Mike
Fuck knows
Vinny
Just work it out
Mike
I can't remember how many slices were in the pack
Vinny
Dunt it say on the receipt?
Mike
Mike
No (Looking at the receipt) it just says smoked back bacon rashers 300g £2.50
Vinny
You reckon it says it on the packet?
Mike
Yeah? It might do
Vinny
Where's the packet then?
Cut to
Vinny and mike outside, Vinny has his head inside the recycling wheelie bin, shifting threw the rubbish while Mike watches
Vinny
Here's the little bastard.
Vinny pulls out the empty packet of bacon and begins to look at it
Vinny
It doesn't say
Vinny passes the empty bacon packet to Mike, looks at it, before he tosses it back in the bin
Vinny flips the bin lid closed and we follow them walk from outside back into the house and to the table they were sat at before.
Mike
Well if its 300 grams of bacon at £2.50, just need to work out how many grams 1 slice is
Vinny
Just put it at 50p a rash and call it a day
Mike
You on fucking drugs? That would mean there were 5 slices in the pack. No way were there only 5, it was like 8-12.
Vinny
Alright, just look up what the average bacon rash weighs and we'll be able to work it out
Mike
I'll ask Alexa, what you saying?
Vinny
I go,,,errrrrrr...19.5 grams
\Mike
I'm saying 35
Alexa, what's the average weight of a bacon rash
Alexa
An average bacon rasher typically weighs between 25-50 grams, with some thicker cuts potentially weighing more. The weight can vary depending on the cut (e.g., back bacon, streaky bacon) and thickness
Vinny
Fuck this, I cant be arsed anymore. Just split it 50/50
Mike
Alright (then making a note down on the notepad)
Vinny
Are we done?
Mike
Yeah that's it
Vinny
Lets get fucked up
Smash cut
Vinny and Mike sat on the sofa - Mike is ripping a fat bong - the water bubbling and smoke filling the air - after he takes a hit he woffs the smoke away from them.
They're both watching Clarksons Farm
Mesmerised
Mike passes the bong and Vinny takes a hit
Still both not taking there eyes off the tv
Vinny's hitting the bong like its going out of fashion
Mike
...........You know what's mad?...........
Vinny
........What?
Mike
All the mad shit going on in our bodies right now. Like you know the reason weed affects us is cuz we have an entire system in our bodies for specially processing tetrahydrocannabinol, which is just THC. That shits called the endocannabinoid system which deals with a lot of shit in the body, mostly for maintaining homeostasis. U know, shit like how hungry or tired u are, or how much u feel pain or what mood ur in. When u get this sudden rush of cannabinoids from a hit it just fires all these receptors that are obviously designed for tiny tiny amounts and that's why all these things are just thrown off and u get hungry, tired, u feel less pain and ur mood mellows out. But all the proper mad shit happens in the brain cuz that's where most of the cannabinoid receptors are, so there's quite an effect from it. I mean, it's very complicated and I don't fully understand it tbf, well, we don't even know how consciousness works so we can't exactly explain how psychoactivity works can we? But I know the CB1 receptors (which are just a specific type that we know causes psychoactive effects) and yeah the weed activates these which causes euphoria just like we might get from sitting down after a really hard graft, or like a runner's high which is supposedly quite strong, but nothing compared to the overload of cannabinoids you get from weed. But there's all sorts of different types of receptors and all sorts of different cannabinoids, which is why there are so many different types of weed. Well, that and the terpenes. Do you know what terpenes are? They're generally the biggest difference between strains because there are a lot more types of terpenes than cannabinoids - they're actually in just about all biological things, and they're what gives things flavour (probably not the only thing but generally) but yeah these terpenes interact with the cannabinoids differently, giving them slightly different effects. The ratio of the different types of cannabinoids are generally what makes a strain sativa or indica, because they bind to different receptors controlling different behaviours in different regions of the brain. Isn't that fucking mad? All that happening in our bodies right now.
Vinny
Yeah.................You ever seen the sound of music?
Mike
Yeah.......the fucks that got to do with anything?
Vinny
I dunno, just thought about it
Mike
I can't remember what its about tho
Vinny
Fucking nazi's mate
Mike
You fucking druggo - right pass it here
Vinny gives Mike the bong
Vinny
There's not much left
Mike
What the fuck, its all gone
jesus christ Vinny
Vinny
What? I was thirsty!
Mike
Is there anymore?
Vinny
Nar we've had it all
Mike
You mean you've had it all
Vinny
We had the same amount
Mike
Did we fuck. I had 4 hits, you've had about 12
Vinny
You inhale more than me
Mike
not fucking 3 times as much
Vinny
I dunno, you've got a mighty fine pair of lungs.
Mike
Fuck you. Right we getting some more?
Vinny
You're the boss, boss
Mike
Right, we're getting some more
Vinny
You calling wayne?
Mike
No, you're calling Wayne
Mike throws Vinny's phone over to him
Vinny calls Wayne
He answers
Vinny (singing down the phone)
Wayyyyne
Why does it always Wayyyyyne on me?
and I wanna know have you ever seen the Wayne
Its like firrrrrrre to wayyyyne
Im singing in the wayne
turn and face the Wayne, W W Waaaayne
..errrrrrr..........no no
It's like Wayyyyyynnnne on your wedding day
errrrr
Mike
Crazy Wayne
Vinny
yeye
Mike and Vinny (singing)
Im going off the rails on a crazy Wayne
Vinny (down the phone)
Ye ye I'm done, you busy?
........
Cuz we wanna purchase illegal class C drugs from your fine self
.......
Ye yeah
..........
(To Mike) How much do we want?
Mike
A Q?
Vinny
Ye sounds right
Yeah Wayne we'll get a Q
........
Groovy
..........
Alrate sound
..........................
Well we'll be here
..........
alrighttttttttt
.....
Cheerios
Vinny ends the call and throws the phone to the other side of the sofa without looking
Vinny
Sorted
Said he's gonna be max 20 minutes
Mike
.......Who's max 20 minutes?
Vinny
Some guy your mum used to go out with
Mike
Oh yeah?
Vinny
Yeah, but he died in the battle of megiddo
Mike
Ooooooooh yeah, What's that when its at home?
Vinny
Fucking mad battle bear years ago. Egyptians vs these irrelevant canaanite geezers which is current day Israel and Palestine. Int that mad? Israel and Palestine fighting together against Egypt, well sort of, I don't fucking know. I just know about it cuz its the earliest battle recorded in history.
Mike
Thats mad, what year was that then? 2007?
Vinny
Narrrrrrrr fucking 1457 BC
Mike
Before Cornflakes?
Vinny
Before Colours
Mike
Fucking..Broadband Contractor
Vinny
Fuckin Bryan Cranston
Mike
Benedict Cumberbatch
Vinny
Bill Clinton
Mike
Brian Cox
Vinny
Brian Cox what a guy
Mike
Fucking space and shit
Vinny
Yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeeyeyyeyeyeyeyeeyeyeyeyeye
Mike
Yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye
Vinny
You hungry?
Mike
I'm fucking starvin bro
Vinny
What we doin about tea then?
Mike
Fuck knows
Vinny
We got any bacon?
Mike
Don't fucking start
Vinny
Narrr, i actually fancy a bacon cob
Mike
Unlucky, cuz no queda nada
Vinny
.........
Mike
Means there's non fucking left
Vinny
Then why didn't you put it on the fucking shopping list?!!
Mike
I did, we just haven't been shopping
Vinny
Oh right, fair enough. Well let me see what we've got
Mike
Not a lot I think you'll find
Vinny slowly peels himself from his slumped position and lifts himself from the sofa
Vinny
Lets have a gander
Mike
Oh shit, I need to do my duolingo
Mike picks up his phone
We follow Vinny into the kitchen leaving Mike on the sofa
In the background we can hear mike speak spanish to his phone and then the ping correct sound effects.
We see a tracking shot of Vinny walking slowly through to the kitchen, scratching his balls as he reaches the fridge.
He opens up the fridge, there's fuck all in it. He picks up the carton of milk and drinks the last half a cup full, before wiping his mouth, then crunching the empty carton and then throws it to backdoor, (without looking)
He looks in the freezer, fuck all
He opens up a cupboard and pulls out 2 tins of beans and a packet of cobs
He pokes his around to the living room holding out the items
Vinny
Looks like we're having Beans on cobs
Time cut
Vinny and Mike stand at the kitchen counter
Vinny slices the cobs and Mike opens the tins of beans and goes to get a pan
Vinny
Oh don't be pissin about with that
Mike
With what?
Vinny
The fucking pan, just do it in the microwave
Mike
No, there way nicer in the pan
Vinny
I cant be arsed, it takes fucking ages
Mike empties one of the tins into the pan
Vinny
Fuck you
Mike
You can do yours in the microwave if you want
Vinny
And make more fucking washing? Im alright
Vinny aggressively shakes the other tin of beans into the pan
Time cut
They both sit at the kitchen table facing each other
Mike eats his beans on cobs with a knife and fork. Vinny eats them as a sandwich with beans dropping all over the shop.
Mike stares at Vinny in disgust and confusion
Vinny takes a moment to realise cuz he's enjoying his bean cob so much
Vinny (food in mouth)
What?
Mike still stares at him
Vinny finishes the food in his mouth
Vinny
Im fucking enjoying it
Mike
I've seen pigs eat with better manners
Vinny
Fuck off about fucking manners, go and move in with a fucking pig then who has a mortgage. Fucking manners, manners are just a social construct. Fucking cavemen with manners, chomping on a wolf kidney with a knife and fork with a little fucking napkin around his neck. I know there's a time for manners, if we were on a fucking P and O cruise ship sailing around the mediterranean then yeah fucking fair enough, but were fucking not, Im at home on a saturday night stoned off my nut, sat here with you eating fucking beans and cobs. Give me a fucking break. Its like living with a fucking women, its like living with my mum. Cant a man sit in his own house and eat his own tea in his own way without having his fucking lodger go on about fucking manners?
Mike
...............
Take your elbows off the table
Vinny takes the biggest bite possible of the bean cob - it crumbles in his hands - dropping all onto the plate.
Time cut
Mike and Vinny stand at the sink washing the pots
Vinny cleans
Mike drys
Mike
Where the fucks Wayne?
Vinny
Take-piss-pete
Mike
How long did he say? 20 minuets?
Vinny
Minimum
Mike
Piss take
Vinny
He's always like that. Whatever time he says you've just gotta double it and then add abit.
Mike
He needs to sort out his time management, the prick
Vinny
You gonna tell him that when he gets here?
Mike
Yeah, I fucking will.
Mike holds up a plate he's just picked up
Mike
In what fucking century has that been clean?
Vinny
Fucking all of them
Mike
Its filthy
Vinny
You can talk, i've seen your bedroom
Mike
Big fucking difference between afew dirty clothes on the bedroom floor and having old dried up moldy beans on your plate
He throws the plate back into the sink - creating a little splash
Vinny
You trying to drown me?
And you've got a bit more than a few clothes on your floor.
Mike
Now who's sounding like your mum?
Vinny
..........................touché
So anyways we going shopping tomorrow?
Mike
Sort of need to don't we?
Vinny
Yeah, sunday innit, so we've got to be leaving about 10
Mike
Yeah, alright
Vinny
And when we sorting out under the stairs?
Mike
Tomorrow?
Vincent
Alright sound, I mean i say 'we', i'll have no clue what i'm doing
Mike
Yeyeyeye, and we both couldn't fit under the stairs anyways, especially you
Vincent (staring at Mike - dead pan face)
........................Was that a fat joke?
Mike
Sure was
Vinny
touché
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
Mike
About fucking time
Vincent sits of the sofa
Mike opens the door which is in the living room
Wayne
Evening sir, I do believe you've ordered 7.085 grams of the most premium cannabis money can buy.
Mike
20 minuets minimum you said......
Wayne
Yeah well, I say a lot of shit........ Like lasagne and ponchos.
Wayne enters the house and they both join Vinny at the sofa
Mike
You need to sort your time management out Wayne
Wayne
Who are you? Fucking Alan Sugar?
Mike
You'd get better business if you were on time
Wayne
I'm gonna start calling you Alan Sugar
Vinny
He's got a point tho, like customer satisfaction is what you need innit,
Wayne
I don't need no more business, I've got weed and £20 notes coming at my fucking eyeballs. I've never been busier. Im busier now than when I was at Uni. Swear down. I've got loads of fucking cash sitting around, i'm like Walter fucking White just insulating my walls with stacks of 20's, need to fucking launder that shit.
Vinny
Shit
Wayne
Well i'm obviously exaggerating a fucking bit but i do need to be fucking careful with the money n shit
Mike
Fucking, don't suppose you've got any vacancies?
Wayne
What you working for me?
Mike
Well yeah
Wayne
Nar mate, i work by myself. I don't wanna complicate shit, its going smooth....like peanut butter
Mike
Fairs
Wayne
How long you been living here now then?
Mike
Like 2 months
Wayne
Nice little bachelor pad you've got
Vinny
Yeah, its all sorted, apart from under the stairs, there's a load of rotting wood and shit
Wayne
Oh right. Anyways, who's got the money?
Wayne takes a ball of tinfoil out of his rucksack
Vinny takes out £50 from his pocket and gives it to Wayne
Wayne
Thanking you kindly
Oh yeah by the way, prices are going up, So from now on its £60 for a Q
Vinny
Jesus christ
Wayne
Don't be blaming me, its this fucking economy. Politicians, If your gonna have a go at someone, have a go at them. I put the prices up yesterday, BUT, you didn't know so i'm being a very kind individual and giving it to you at the previous price. But from now it's the new price,
Mike
Fucking inflation
Wayne
Thatcher's Britain. You two got owt to eat? I'm fucking ravernes
Vinny
Fuck all mate
Mike
We've just had beans on cobs cuz we've ran out of bread
Wayne
Living below the bread line you two.
Vinny
Tell me about it
Wayne
You know I was in London the other month, you know what they call cob in London?
Vinny
They don't call it a cob?
Wayne
No, they're southerners, they're all mongs
Mike
So what do they call it?
Wayne
They call it a roll. And in Yorkshire they call it a breadcake
Vinny
A fucking breadcake
Wayne
Yeah, walked into a cafe in manchester, asked for a bacon cob, the girl looked at me like i was speaking in fucking hieroglyphics. Is a barm okay? Yeah, its exactly the fucking same as a cob duck
Vinny
Man of culture, you
Wayne
You know, anyways i better get going,
you two doing owt tonight then?
Mike
Probably just smoke this and watch 'how it's made'
Wayne
You boring bastards. Im going into town tonight with a few lads, you wanna come?
Vinny
Narr i'm alright
Mike
Yeah you're alright tar
Wayne
Come on, there all sound, you'll get on with them
Vinny
I just cant be arsed
Mike
It's fucking bare effort
Wayne
When's the last time you went out?
Mike
Like 2 years ago
Wayne
Fuck me, come on, we'll go on the pull, get you both some of the 2am, juicy, tramp stramp, short skirt pussy
Vinny
It's just a lot of effort to get rejected innit
Wayne
Nar, you should see some of these birds, buy them a drink and they'll suck your dick in the street , even a free tap water, swear fucking down.
Mike
Maybe another night, I just wanna chill tonight
Vinny
Yeah we'll let you know
Wayne
Alright whatever, I gotta now anyways. Told someone id drop off to them like an hour ago.
Vinny
Alright, see ya
Mike
In abit
Wayne leaves
TIME CUT
Mike and Vinny sat back where they were on the sofa - smoking the bong again - watching how its made
Vinny
Fucking £60
Mike
I know, can barley afford it now
Vinny
How much we spent on weed this month?
Mike
I don't even wanna fucking know
Vinny
It be rate
Mike takes a big bong hit
Mike (letting out smoke)
You're the boss, boss
.....
Mike
You know what we should fucking do. Grow some under the stairs
Vinny
You on fucking drugs?
Mike
Yeah, but it's not hard to do. I'll set it all up, just need a few lights and shit. Just do like 4 plants
Vinny
No fucking way, the neighbours will smell it
Mike
No they won't. They cant smell this (pointing to the bong)
Vinny
Yeah, that's a tiny bit, not 4 massive fucking plants
Mike
Yeah but think of all the money we'd save
Vinny
No fucking way
Mike
Why not?
Vinny
Cuz we'll get done
Mike
Why will we?
Vinny
Cause knowing our look we will
Mike
It'll be so easy tho
Vinny
It's my fucking house. No
Mike
Alright fair enough
CUT TO
Mike sleeping in his bed fast on
Mike
ZZZZZZZZ
Vinny (O.S)
(whispering) Mike......Mike.....Michael
Mike stirs
Vinny (still whispering)
Mike....come on.....It's time to get up
Mike turns over
Vinny pulls out a air horn and lets it off next to Mikes sleeping head
Mike
What the fuck
Vinny
Come on, we're going shopping
Mike
Fuck you
Mike takes one of his pillows and throws it at Vinny
Vinny catches in and launches it back into Mike's face
Vinny
Come on, lets get a move on
Mike
Alright Alright
I need a coffee. Put the kettle on will ya
Vinny
No milk
Mike
What? Thought there was a bit left
Vinny
No, I had that last night
Mike
You fucking nonce
Vinny
Hence why we need to go shopping
Vinny lets out another blast on the airhorn
Mike
Fucking pack it in. That's the last time im buying you a christmas present
CUT TO
Vinny and Mike getting into the car - this time Mike drives
A groovy song plays
they nod their heads to the music
Vinny
You know what I fancy?
Mike
What?
Vinny
Spag Bol
Mike
What a shout
Vinny
With a fuck tone of cheese
Mike
Yeyeyeyeye
Need to get some worcester sauce and some basil...and some stock cubes
Vinny
The fuck you on about?
Mike
You've gotta season that shit, rate fucking nice
CUT TO
Tarantino shot of them both putting shopping bags into the boot of the car.
Vinny
Oh we've forgot bread
Mike
You fucking mong
VInny
YOU fucking mong
Mike
Well we need bread for sandwiches
Vinny
Yeah I know
Mike
You nipping back in then?
Vinny
Why don't you?
Mike
I can't be arsed
Vinny
And i can?
Mike
Yeah
Vinny
On the contrary, I cant be arsed
Mike
I fucking drove
Vinny
Congratulations
They both look at each other for a moment
....
Vinny and Mike
Rock
Paper
Scissors
Shoot
Mike wins
Mike
Get fucked, too easy. Mans using mad phycology, the power of suggestion,
Vinny
How about I suggest you fucking kill yourself
He slams the closed closed
CUT TO
Mike and Vinny sat back on the sofa after having just finished a humongous plate of spag bol
They're watching coronation street
Vinny
That was beau-ti-ful
Mike
I'm telling ya. rosemary and worcester sauce makes it so much nicer
Vinny
You're not wrong
KNOCKING AT THE FRONT DOOR
Mike
Who's that?
Vinny
Fuck knows
Mike
Go and answer it
They look at each other
......
Mike and Vinny
Rock
Paper
Scissors
Shot
Mike wins
Vinny
Fuck me
Vinny gets up and answers the door
Its wayne
He enters
Wayne
Hey up faggots
Mike
You know that's an offensive slur used to marginalise and suppress the gay community
Wayne
That's exactly what a faggot would say
Anyways, I came round cuz I need a favour
Vinny
Oh yeah
Wayne
Yeah, I've gotta go to Scotland for a few days for abit of business, can you look after taco till i get back?
Mike
Errr
Wayne
Next time you buy off me I'll do it half price
Vinny
Yeah alright
Wayne
Fucking sound. Just feed him and take him on walks and shit. Piece of piss
Vinny
Fair enough
Wayne
Groovy, I'll go and get him
Wayne leaves but leaves the door open
Vinny and Mike just look at eachother
Vinny
Did you know he had a dog?
Mike
No fucking clue
Wayne enters the house again and a white dog runs in and jumps and licks Mike and Vinny
Wayne
Right, here's his food.
(he drops the bag of dog food on the floor)
Right, im off
Wayne leaves - slamming the door
CUT TO
Vinny and Mike sat on sofa
The dog is with them - trying to lick their faces
Vinny
Get off
Get off
Go on, go and lick Mike
Mike
No fucking don't
Fucking bring on my eczema getting covered in dog saliza
Vinny picks up the dog food bag?
Vinny
Odds on you eating one of these
Mike
Fuck right off
He throughs the bag back down
Vinny
you know your turning into one boring bastard
Mike ignores him
Vinny
When you sorting out under the stairs
Mike
I dunno
Vinny
You said you were doing it today
Mike
Okay whatever, if it'll shut you up
CUT TO
Mike sawing some wood with a saw in the garden
Vinny watches as he sips on a cup of tea stood up
Mike
You just gonna stand there, or are you gonna help?
Vinny
The fuck you want me to do?
Mike
Make me a coffee....and get this fucking dog out my way
Vinny
Alright
Come on taco you little shit
Vinny and taco leave into the house
Mike carries on sawing the wood, he looks around and takes in the wind and sunshine, the birds and the trees, he still saws
Then a big horn goes off, Mike jumps
We see vinny holding the air horn pissing himself
Mike
Jesus fucking Christ, you wanker
Vinny
(still laughing)
Mike turns around to show his hand covered in blood
Vinny
Oh fuck
Mike
Are you a retard?
What the fuck
TIME CUT
Mike and Vinny in the Kitchen - Panicked and frantic
Mike grabs a tea towel and wraps it around vinnys hands
Vinny
Fucking hell, I'm so so sorry
Oh god I'm sorry
Mike
Why the fuck did you do that while I was sawing you prick
Vinny
I didn't know
there's blood all over the shop
Mike
Its deep this is
Vinny
lets go in the bathroom
Mike
Fucking hell
Vinny
Come on
We follow behind them as they run from the kitchen, down a small hall and follow them as they run up the stairs and into the bathroom. As soon as the door flies open we
CUT TO
Vinny and Mike are in Vinny's car, he's driving
Mike in the passenger with a bandage around his hand
There at a drive through
Vinny takes the food from the window and passes it to Mike
Mike
Shit, my fucking hand kills
Vinny
Shut up moaning
Mike
I've had 12 fucking stiches because of you
Vinny drives off
Vinny
Your alright tho
Mike
You on fucking drugs? You must of cost the NHS at least 2 grand today
Vinny
Fucking 2 grand, £500 minimum
Mike
Ambulance coming out and taking us to hospital alone would of cost £200, never mind the fucking nurse putting stiches in and all that shit
Vinny
Oh well, I've paid well over that in taxes over the years
Mike
That's not the point tho is it
Vinny
No, the points are on your saw
Mike
(deadpan) My stiches are coming out, I'm laughing so hard
Vinny
Come on, you know it was an accident
Mike
Your still a prick. Its human instinct to flinch at loud noises
Vinny
Well I'm sorry. I've bought you a Maccies, what more do you want
Mike
More than 1 maccies is gonna make up for this
Vinny
How many then
Mike
12, 1 for each stitch
Vinny
That's fair
Mike
Too right, you've got some right cleaning to do when we get back
CUT TO
Music montage of Vinny on his hands and knees cleaning the blood from the floor in the kitchen, the stairs, the bathroom
Vinny (shouting to Mike whos down stairs)
Fucking blood on my toothbrush
Mike (O/S)
Is there any on mine?
Vinny (shouting back)
No
Mike
(laughing his head off)
Get fucked
Montage carries on with more cleaning the bath
He gives taco a bath washes the blood from him
Vinny has never given a dog a bath before, so has no idea what hes doing and the dog can tell, but hes doing alright
Montage ends
Vinny joins mike who is sat on the sofa
They are both still in their clothes that are covered in blood
Vinny
You gonna tell your mum?
Mike
Nar, cuz she'll wanna see me and I cant be arsed, she'll be asking how it happened and she'll go 'Oh that vinny is awful you need to move out, and she'll just fuss, i cant be arsed. Just wanna get stoned and watch The office
Vinny
Fairs. Guess you wont be finishing off this today
Vinny gets up and looks under the stairs
Mike
Yeah, im gonna put that shit off as long as I can
Vinny
What's this weird bit of chipboard on the wall
Mike
Dunno, was gonna have a look before you fucking decided I need to loose about 17 pints of blood
Vinny pulls back the top of the chipboard and looks inside
Vinny
What's this?
Mike
What's what?
Vinny comes out under the stairs holding a brick of cocaine
TIME CUT
There both sat on the sofa, staring at the brick of coke on the table in front of them
Mike
Well its obviously cocaine
Vinny
Yeah
Mike
How much you reckon it's worth?
Vinny
Fucking........no clue, like 5 grand
Mike
Nar id say more than that, They pay like £30 for them little bags
Vinny
How many little bags you think that is?
Mike
like 2, 3 hundred
Vinny
Well what the fuck do we do?
Mike
Fuck knows
Vinny stands up
Vinny
Well I guess we call 999, or 101 that's non emergency police innit?
Mike
The fuck you on about?
Vinny
The fuck you on about?
Mike
We've just found like 10 grand worth of drugs and you wanna give it to the fucking police?
Vinny
Yeah! We get caught with this we'll get absolutely fucked
Mike
How are we gonna get caught?
Vinny
I dunno, probably something we haven't even thought of. No. No fucking way.
Vinny takes out his phone
Mike
Fuckin chill your boots a second dickhead. This might not even be cocaine.
Vinny
You on fucking drugs? You know the guy who used to live here got arrested. You think he's hiding fucking flour in the walls? Its obvsiliy drugs and its obvious if we don't report it were gonna go straight to prison with him and get fucking raped. You wanna get raped? I fucking don't.
Mike
Don't be tryin to scare me with rape n shit. Fucking Wayne's been selling for years and he's a mong, has he ever been done?
Vinny
He just sells weed, fucking class c, this shits class A. Highest class of drugs. You can't get higher than this shit
Mike
So? He still hasn't been caught, doesn't matter what class it is
Vinny
Of course it fucking matters
Mike
Look we'll just ask Wayne see what he says
Vinny
.......I don't fucking know bro
Mike
Look you know, and I know, you'll gonna come round to the idea. You've already put up a fight, which is fair enough, you did alright. But its too good not to do. we've fucking won the lottery here and you wanna give it all to the government. I say we ask Wayne, get him to help us, cut him in a bit, sell it, take the cash, then that's it. Cash our chips we all go home happy.
Vinny
Big risky tho
Mike
Theres no risk
Vinny
You can guarantee that can you? 100% we wont get caught
Mike
Yeah
Vinny
no you fucking cant
Mike
You fucking owe me after this (lifting up his bandaged hand)
Vinny
I don't fucking owe you the risk of going to prison for 20 years!. And anyways its mine. I bought the house and everything in it. It technically belongs to me.
Mike
Yeah so why you gonna give it to the police? Why you gonna give back to a government who don't care about us, after all the money and hard work we've put into the government for what? To give it back? think of all the hours you've sat at that desk at work, the phone calls, the emailing, the meeting, 1 to 1's, feedback, got you acting like a robot in some ai shit in the fucking matrix monkey on his typewriter somebody knows your name shit cuz everyone is a statistic
Vinny
Jesus, that was a bit much (laughing)
Mike
Yeah it might of been to be fair
Vinny
I changed my mind like 90 seconds before you said that
Mike
Yeah?
Vinny
Yeah fuck it, let's see what wayne says
But if it all goes tits up, don't forgot I was the one who said it was a bad idea
CUT TO
Vinny is lying on the sofa listening to music licking a blue brainlicker, his mouth and tongue very blue.
Mike is stood behind the sofa juggling with 3 balls
The coffee table Infront of them still has the big bag of cocaine on it
Mikes phone rings on loud speaker while he juggles. He never takes his eyes off the balls and never drops one.
........... .....
........... .....
........... .....
........... .....
Wayne
Hello
Mike
Yoo, need to tell you sommet
Wayne
Hello?
Mike
Hello
Wayne
What do you want?
Mike
We've found some fucking mad sh-
Wayne
-Ha ha get fucked, leave a message dickhead hurrrrrrrrrrr
the phone beeps to leave a message
Vinny
Did you not know that was his answer phone message?
Mike
No. what the fuck
Vinny
Its fucked
Mike puts the ball into his pocket and carries on juggling with the other 2 balls in one hand, in one smooth motion.
In the other hand he pulls out his phone and says
Mike
Fuck you
Before getting the call
Mike
Im ringing him back
The phone rings again, he puts it into his pocket, takes out the ball in the other pocket and without stopping juggling brings the 3rd ball back into the throwing pattern.
Vinny is still lying on sofa licking the brain licker
Taco the dog lying on the sofa with him
Wayne actually answer the phones
Mike still juggles
Wayne
Yo why you keep ringing me?
Mike
I've rang you twice
Wayne
I told you im in scotland
Mike
Why what you doing?
Wayne
I told you im doing business, setting up some mad connections
Mike
But what are you doing right now?
Wayne
Just lying down in the back of my car with a blanket watching family guy parked in a layby on a country road 28 miles away from Ben Nevis
Mike
What the fuck
Vinny
You cold?
Wayne
Im in a travelogue with Julie
Mike
What
We CUT TO wayne lying in a hotel room with Julie, a women in her mid thirties. Waynes phone is also on speaker
Wayne
Julie....(in a scottish accent) She's from wales
Mike
What?
Wayne
Nar im joking, she's scottish
Vinny
Who the fucks julie
Wayne
Best £200 ive ever spent
Mike
Thats fucked mate
Julie takes a big hit of the vape
Julie
Im fully booked up till March if any of yous are interested?
Mike
What the fuck?
Vinny
What do you look like? (laughing)
Wayne
What the fuck you doing, its sounds like your shagging, sounds like your laying down bare pipe
Mike
Im juggling
Wayne
Your gay as fuck mush i cant lie
Mike
Yeah but why?.............
Wayne
Swear you clapped as fuck bro.
How's taco anyways?
Mike
Yeah mans chill
Mike still juggles
Taco is now jumping upto the coffee table and sniffing the bag of cocaine, he then licks it the bag before jumping down and walking off
Vinny doesn't see this. He's two busy bitting off the top of the brain licker and drinking the rest
Vinny
Mans chill if dogs aren't allergic to blood
Wayne
What?
Mike
Nothing. We've got somewhat big to tell you?
Wayne
What is it?
Mike
Its fucking mad
Wayne
What is it?
Mike
Your not gonna believe this
Wayne
What is it?
Mike
Right, you know we said about under the stairs?
Wayne
Yeah what is it?
Mike
Well I was sawing some wood-
Wayne
-Just get to the fuck point man.
Mike
We found like a brick of cocaine hidden in the wall
Wayne
Mad Bro
Mike
Yeah
Wayne
What's crack then? You wanna sell it?
Mike
Yeah
Wayne
I suggest you sell it all in one go, less risk
Vinny
Sound
Wayne
You weighed it yet?
Mike
No
Wayne
Weigh it
CUT TO
Mike and Vinny at the kitchen table weighing the brick of coke
Mike
Its just under...1.2KG
Wayne
Shit, thats like......alot
Vinny
How much is it worth?
Wayne
If its real........
I dunno, quite abit
Have you tired it?
Vinny
No fuck that
Mike
Narr
Wayne
Fuck, I think i can sell this for you
Mike
We were saying a 20% cut sounds fair
Wayne
Yeah, sound
Wayne gets up from the bed
Wayne
I gotta try this shit
quick cuts of Wayne gets readying , out the door, running to the car, in car, door slam, car revs of out of the car park and onto the motorway
He listens to Folsom Prison blues
Vinny
Its gonna take him fucking ages
CUT TO
Both in the kitchen in the morning, both in dressing gowns, listening to the radio
They sip their tea
Wayne burst threw the front door
Wayne
Where is it?
He sees the coke on the table
He whips out a small pocket knife and in one swift motion cuts into the bag and lifts up the knife to his nose and snorts a pile on the knife.
Wayne
Fucking Big foot shit, get back
He takes another pile on the knife and snorts in
Wayne
I'm gonna spunk my pants
Vinny
Morning
Wayne
Morning, shmorming, piers Morgan, fuckkkkk. this is good shit. Like its from the deep mountains of my nans forehead. I feel like my body, like inside my body is doing the tango, and outside my body I'm just standing still. I'm getting the exact feeling on my arm that when I went to Egypt when i was 9, fucking ice creams n hotdogs, like the warm sun on my arm, but its only my arm. God I wanna punch a baby, but like a really ugly baby. Drop kick the bastard down the stairs, but the stairs is made of jelly like in cloudy with a chance of meatballs, bitch with the glasses and is allergic and her face swells up, smash, fuck I'm wired as fuck
Mike
So is it good?
Wayne
Pretty mid
Vinny
You want a drink?
Wayne
Yeah, can you do me a glass of warm water
Vinny
the fuck
Wayne
Its just what man fancies innit chum
Vinny goes into the kitchen
Wayne
Where's taco
Mike
I dunno, somewhere around hear
Wayne (singing in opera)
Tacooooooooooo
taco enters
Wayne
Ey up taco you slag
Has she been alrate?
Mike
Yeah? I mean its a fuckin dog
Vinny enters with the glass of warm water
Vinny
here you go
Wayne takes a sip
Wayne
you got any ice cubes?
Vinny
No
Wayne
Fairs fairs
So yeah, were gonna sell this shit, big man profit,
wayne takes out his phone and calls someone
Wayne
Yeah we're on
chill
.....
okay
ends call
Yeah there's a guy who wants to buy it
Mike
Buy it all?
Wayne
Yeah, says he's free in 20 minuets
Vinny
shit
Mike
Are we all going?
Wayne
Yeah probably should, I don't really know who he is
Vinny
I need a shower
Wayne
we haven't got time charva, just get a flannel and do this
(rubs his face aggressively with his hands for just long enough to make it uncomfortable)
CUT TO
Wayne is sat on the sofa with taco, doing a line of the coke
Vinny and Wayne come down the stairs - now dressed
They both wear shorts and a t shirt
Mike
What do you think of this? I dunno I thought shorts would be good but it seems abit unformal
Wayne
Its fine come on
Vinny
to be fair now you say, does come across abit. ya know, not childish
Mike
Yeah, we wanna come across like we know what were doing
Vinny
First impressions innit
CUT TO
In mikes bedroom, clothes all over the floor, looking through his wardrobe
mike picks out a shirt from the rack
Mike
like this would be good if it was a different colour
Vinny
do you not have any like polo tops?
Mike
No not really.
You think the jeans are okay?
Vinny
Yeah jeans are sound
Wayne
Come on, feel like I'm in a fucking zoella video, get ready with me to bring copious amounts of drugs onto the streets (takes another hit of coke)
They turn to find Wayne snorting a line off tacos back
Vinny
Just go with this top, right lets go
Mike
Yeah alright cool
Now Wayne lies on his back and bench presses the dog
Vinny
There's a pun in here somewhere but I cant find it
CUT TO
They all pile into Vinnys car and speed off
Vinny
Put some music on
Mike
I feel like there's a band that made music for this specific scenario
Wayne
I've got a song
Vinny
Not having your shit on
Wayne
My music's sick bruv , what you talking about?
Vinny
lyrics about cumming in a bitches milkshake and pasta bake on the first date is not fucking sick
Wayne
That's pure William Shakespeare
Mike
William wankspeare
...............................................
Yeah that was shit, dunno why I said that
CUT TO
The car pulling up outside a house
Wayne
That's it, number 7
CUT
They all stand at the door
Wayne
You knocking then?
Mike
You know him
Wayne
I don't know him
Mike
No but you set this up
Vinny knocks then stands back
Mike stands holding the bag of cocaine which is in a old plastic bag
The door opens
CUT TO
Vinny, Mike and Wayne sat on the mans sofa
The man is in his early thirties, and looks proper rough - he has an dodgy presence
His name is Jack
Jack
You got it then?
Mike pulls the brick out of the plastic bag
Jack
You got any scales?
Mike
No
Jack
Jesus Christ do I have to do everything
jack storms off into another room - we hear crashing and smashing
They all looks at each other like Jesus Christ we're fucked
Jack comes back with some scales and slams it down on the floor
he takes the bag off mike and chucks it on the scales
Jack
Just under 1.1kg
Vinny
So how much you -
Jack
I never said I wanted to buy it
Mike
But I thought the whole reason us coming and you getting the scales is to buy it?
Jack just stares at him
............................
Vinny
Do you want to buy it?
Jack
I'll be honest, i am thinking about it
How do I know if its.......
Ya know
fucking
....
real
Wayne
Oh it real alright, its strong shit as well
You take it and you just think......nar this is mad, like not mad mad but like proper mad, well not proper mad ya know......He knows
Jack just stares
.......
Jack
you all need to do a line
Mike
What
Jack
It could be anything, I wanna watch all 3 of you take some, then I'll try it.
Wayne
I'll do there share
Jack
No you've got to do it
Vinny
We've never really done it before
Jack
Model fucking citizen. Well I guess I'll watch you break your coke virginity (he laughs, nobody else does)
They all look at each other
Wayne lines up 4 lines - he does the middle one
Mike (annoyed)
Nar this is mad, he's just done it, why've we gotta do it? I've never done it before, this looks like alot for a first time, what if I have a fucking heart attack?
Jack
Sniff it
Wayne
I don't mind having theirs, that last one didn't touch the sides.
Vinny
What if we refuse?
Jack
You don't wanna know
Wayne
You gonna bum us? Well you cant bum me cuz i did it, Ill just watch. You think its more or less mind fucking if you see a rape wired on coke or while your sober?
Vinny
What the fuck
Mike
Fuck this
Mike snorts the line of coke
Vinny
Shit
Wayne (turns to vinny)
Join us
Vinny snorts the line
Vinny
fuck
Jack
How do you feel?
Vinny
Like I wanna sneeze
Jack
lets have a go
Jack sits him self on the sofa in-between the boys and finishes the last line
Jack
Hmm that's.......Pretty......... fucking good
Yeah
shit
yeah
I'll take it
Do you guys want a drink?
Vinny
you got any nesquick?
Jack
nesquick?, what are you 6?
Mike
Nesquick would slap right now
Wayne
Fucking strawberry, slurp that shit
Jack
I haven't got any, I've got tea and coffee...
Vinny
You got any cider?
Jack
I was just about to give you the list of what I've got
Mike
So no cider?
Jack
I dunno maybe
Cut to
The 4 of them sat down cracking open a cider each
Jack
So what music are you into?
Mike
You know the Sleaford Mods?
Jack
Yeah, fucking know them, knocked one out once
Mike
Really?
Jack
Yeah, he was being a little shit at the pub so i told him to simmer down, he didn't so I lamped him one. One punch, straight to the floor
Wayne
What a load of shit
Jack
You what?
Wayne
Brother what you said was an absolute shit lie bruv. As a big fan of lying i can tell you that that fucking lie was terrible. Lamped him one (laughing)
Jack just stares at Wayne
Wayne (to Mike)
Yo I think this guy fancies me
Look at him, he wants to bum me, or maybe he wants me to bum him.......... I fancy a chippy tea
Vinny
Yeah same
Wayne
sound (he downs his drink) Right 3 grand for this and we'll call it a day, I'm fucking starving
Jack
I'll go and get it
he leaves
Mike
He's defo got heads in his fucking fridge
Vinny
That's too mainstream for him, he's too weird for that. Man keeps little bits of peoples liver down his pants
Mike
Wayne, stop fucking having a go at him
Wayne
Im not
Mike
He wants to bum me?
Wayne
Fuck him
Jack enters the room again holding a can of deodorant and a lighter
Wayne
Where's the money then?
Jack lights the lighter and sprays the can in front of it creating a big flame
Jack
Nobodies going fucking anywhere
Wayne
What the fuck
Jack (shouting)
You fucking wanna fuck with me motherfuckers? Ill kill you, ill kill you all, ill kill you all I'm not fucking crazy fuckers, ill pull out your eyeballs and have them with spaghetti, you fucking with me cunts?
Jack goes over and snorts more coke
Wayne
You gonna pay for that dickhead?
Mike and Vinny look at each other like Jesus Christ this guys fucking mental
Jack
I anit paying for shit dickhead, this (pointing to the coke) is all mine and all of you are mine, your in my house and your my bitches.
Wayne
Your fucking mental mate
Jack sprays the can again with the lighter near the boys faces
Wayne
Pack that in before..
Jack (mental)
Before what?....Before what?
Vinny
What the fuck we doing then?
Wayne
Dunno I'm bored now
Jack
Im gonna fuck you like a pig, pin you all down, drink your blood, sniffs that shit, you dont believe me? dont think im good enough, just like my dad, well ill fucking...
Wayne
Okayyyy fuck this
Wayne gets up and punches Jack
He falls to the floor on his back
Wayne picks up the lighter and can and sprays a large flame right onto jacks face, covering his face in flames - Jack screams and his face burns.
While jack screams
Wayne
Shhhh, shhhhh
Mike
Fucking ell
Vinny
Your gonna fuck his face up
Wayne
That's the idea
Burn you bastard
The can runs dry and the flame is no more
Jack rolls on the floor in pain
Wayne
What the fuck was that?
Vinny
What the fuck was that? What the fucks was THAT?
Wayne
Got what he deserved innit
Mike
We gotta go
Wayne (to jack)
You still wanna fuck me like a pig?
No?
Fair enough
Mike
come on lets go
Wayne
Hey watch this
Wayne jumps up and stomps jacks neck - breaking it with a snap
Vinny and MIke
Jesus fuck
Wayne
Right we still goin to the chippy?
Cut to
Vinny Mike and Wayne driving in the car
They listen to place your hands by reef
They all sing - Wayne sings the loudest
They pull up
Wayne
So what do you want?
Mike
Just a small fish and chips
Vinny
yeah same, and a pot of curry sauce
Mike
Yeah same
Wayne gets out the car and goes into the chippy
Vinny
what a day
Mike
What a weird guy
Vinny
I feel like i should be more traumdised
Mike
Yeah me to
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